We Get What We Deserve..?

Discovering you're about to be a father causes a certain amount of blokeishness.

However much of a beta-male you may be normally (and I certainly am), discovering you've successfully made a life causes a definite, if passing, amount of 'Yeeeessss!' with attendant punching of the air and the feeling that you're a 'real man' and gently patting the ol' heat-seeking moisture missile for a job well done.

Fortunately, this doesn't last long, and Mr Winky is soon put back in his rightful place as a disgusting flap of flesh to be ashamed of, full of Satan's badness, like the Preacher told me*. Another thing that takes the shine off feeling too pleased with yourself (and I do mean it takes the shine of feeling unduly pleased with yourself, not that it takes the shine of feeling pleased about the fact that you're going to be a father again) is knowing certain things about someone else.

There's someone I know at work - a thoroughly splendid chap. We have a good working relationship and see eye-to-eye on a lot of things both inside and outside the office environment. I also know his wife a little, and she's lovely too. If having children were a matter of 'deserve', they would completely deserve to, so knowing that they can't shows precisely how little 'deserve' has to do with it.

We all know that too many babies are born to parents who don't give a shit or who can't afford to feed their babies or are abusive arseholes or drug addicts etc etc. We all know they exist, and of course we all know they're proof that having babies is a result of fucking and lucky biology, not worthiness. The fact is that for most of us those people are pretty abstract. We can close our eyes and pretend that these fuckers don't exist and that babies don't die or get abused in a thousand and one innovative and not-so-innovative but equally disgusting ways every single day. The truth is it took my colleague telling me that he had fertility problems to really bring home the fact that my being able to father another baby is essentially dumb luck; fucking and biology.

This is nothing to do with how I feel about being a father again, how much I love Olivia or my wife. I wouldn't denigrate any of those things for a second. This is just the facts.

My colleague would never wish to make me feel embarrassed to tell him we're having another baby, but I'm certainly not looking forward to it. He doesn't go into details, and I don't ask, but he's said certain things. I know how pleased he is when one of his friends has a kid - he talks about going to see them - and I know how pleased he was for me when Olivia was born. It may well be a reflection of my less-than-noble character, but I'm dreading telling him. It must surely be a bit of a slap in the face. However magnanimous, however logical, however nice and decent a person you are, it must surely make you more aware of your own 'failings'/problems.

Do I just come out with it? What do I say? When do I say it? How? I think it's going to require some thinking about.



* not really.

I Lie Awake at Night

Baby O has finally started to sleep a little better having run her poor Mummy ragged for the last few weeks. Unfortunately my insomnia, which has been on and off for years, has decided to rear it's ugly head and so here I am sitting wide awake for different reasons. I have lots to catch you up on, including our booking in visit with the midwife but I think I will leave that for a more civilized time of day. For now I will reflect on some of the stuff I had forgotten from the last time.

I had forgotten just HOW tired you get. I am constantly exhausted. My staff at work, who do not know I am pregnant, keep telling me how tired I look and I just have to blame baby O keeping me up at night, which to be fair has pretty much been true. I have been doing a 10 week teaching City and Guilds qualification, which I signed up for before I knew I was pregnant. I just have 2 classes left but it cannot come soon enough as I long to just come home on a Tuesday and flop down on the sofa rather than having to go to night school for 3 hours.

Even after my cold has finished I STILL have a blocked up nose. The other day, while reading the excellent What to Expect When You're Expecting I came across a section that mentioned how a blocked nose and sinuses can be an ongoing symptom on pregnancy. As soon as I read it I remembered that I had not only read this but also suffered from it during my last pregnancy.

Just have to lie, A LOT! I went to my niece's birthday party at the weekend which was at a play barn. Normally I am the first to be crawling around the ball pit with baby O but this time had to make an excuse about having a splitting headache and sat back and watched Daddy and Auntie A taking O on the play equipment. At work I also had to use an old knee injury as an excuse to get me out of doing staff circuit training which was put on as part of a 'fit for life' week. I've had to tell my sisters all sorts of porkies and fed them diversions to keep the pregnancy a secret until after we have had the scans and know that all is well.

You have to change your plans. My sisters and I clubbed together and got my Mum a hot air balloon flight for her birthday in November. As I knew she wouldn't want to go on her own I also paid for myself to go with her. We have vouchers we can use to book a flight once the weather improves and the flying season starts. The vouchers are valid for a year from November but as I am expecting a baby at the end of October I don't know exactly when I am going to be able to go as pregnant women are, quite sensibly, not allowed to participate. Luckily, having checked the small print on the vouchers there is a clause that allows pregnant women to extend the validity of their vouchers by 9 months. As both vouchers are in my name we will be able to postpone them but it does mean than poor Mum will not be able to take her birthday flight until summer 2009! Luckily as she is the only person other than F who knows I am pregnant she is cool with this.

Anyway it is now almost 4 and I am going back to bed to see if I can grab any more sleep.

Now She Won't Believe Me

Yesterday, I sat opposite my friend L___ and stuck labels onto envelopes for the band fan club I help out with. We nattered about various things over the course of the day and one of them was babies. Specifically baby number 2.

This is an apology to L___ for the fact that I lied my head off yesterday.

It's an apology for the fact that when I was asked whether we'd want to have a second baby anytime soon, I forgot to mention that K___ was pregnant again.

This is also an apology for the fact that I said I didn't know if we'd do a blog for baby 2. I do know, and if you've read it, L___, you'll even know I practically quoted some of it at you.

So, basically, I'm a bad man whose word isn't to be trusted. Luckily, I don't believe in hell, so no chances of eternal punishment. Just have to watch out for the lady I lied to.

She's Cold

Have had a stinking cold all week. Oh, how I would love some lovely cold and flu remedy, the yummy blackcurrant sherbet that kind of reminds me of the space dust sweets we had as kids. I hate colds.

Welcome back to the Circus

It's very weird. Weird and slightly unfair.

Sorry? What is? Well, this whole having a baby thing. We're so relaxed about it this time round. Last time, we were filling our brains with every book and website we could read. This time, we're chilled out. We know the score. M2B2 has booked a nuchal scan. It wasn't a worry, because we knew what needed doing, and what it was about and where to go. If M2B2's right to say that it's harder because we already have B1 to cope with, well that's true, but it's equally true to say it's so much easier this time. Every sensation M2B2 has, she knows what it is.

Last time, a few people interpreted our lust for information as fear about what was happening. It wasn't, it was a genuine hunger to understand. But you can only understand it once. Once you know, you know, and that's what's slightly unfair.

We did a daily blog for B1, full of our observations and what we'd learned etc. B2 won't get that. Not because B2 is less interesting or less wanted or less deserving, but because B1 has already demolished those barriers. I suppose this happens throughout life; certainly throughout childhood. Eldest child has to fight for every inch of ground, later children never have to fight as hard if at all. It's not fair, but it's inevitable, I suppose.

We'll Party Til Dawn

...or maybe we will be tucked up in bed at 7pm! Sooooooooooo very tired...yes, I remember this from last time. You get so tired you hardly have the energy to finish yourrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr